OCD Thoughts

Lately, my OCD has been in full-swing. However, I am blessed. When I think back to two years ago, I have come so far. I had more rituals than I thought I had, but most of them are gone. I still have a problem with handrails, but I forced myself to use them when I went upstairs to my dr. last week. Uncomfortable to be sure, but, hey, nothing drastic happened. I still have a problem with people that I love going up in airplanes. I believe that this is due to the fact that 1) I am petrified of being on one myself, and 2) I have had dreams (three times) about an airplane accident, and then the next morning when I turned on the news there had actually been one. One was the plane in NY that Pamela Lynch from Justice for All was on, and I believed that I somehow contributed to her death by not saying something to the authorities ahead of time. Dumb, I know. You will never convince me that that crash was not terrorist related. How am I going to do when K18 gets on a plane in two weeks to Honduras? I am going to have to go somewhere and do something to get my mind off of it - kind of like when we put Lucky to sleep. One thing I HATE about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy -- and I hope my counselor is reading this -- is that you are supposed to allow the thoughts to wash over you, not try to keep them away. So, technically, I am supposed to think about K18 being on the plane, thousands of feet above the earth and allow the negative thoughts to come. This is the scary part. If I do it, it usually works, but it is the DOING it that is sometimes impossible. I want to skydive just once in my life, but the thought of actually DOING it -- going up in a plane and jumping -- is petrifying to me. Someone WILL HAVE TO push me out the door, there is no denying that.

Back to handrails -- I noticed this last summer when we were at the Riverwalk. You probably think it is about germs. No. It is about balance. If I can grab onto handrails from both sides, like on an escalator, I am fine. But give me a wide stairwell where I cannot reach both sides, or people coming down the other side, blocking my reach like in San Antonio, I cannot use one handrail. I will topple and look stupid.

Same with horizontal cracks and color/pattern changes on the ground. I don't step over them because I'm afraid something bad is going to happen. I do it because it sends me off balance if I step on them. I feel like an idiot in the grocery store trying to avoid them, but at least I don't fall down. LOL Actually, this ritual is the reverse of a ritual. E and I were at the college going in to play raquetball (I LOVE that game!), and she mentioned to me, "Why do you step on every crack?" I hadn't noticed it before. So this went on for a few months and started to get on my nerves and I told my counselor. We did CBT a few times, and all of the sudden, now I am avoiding them instead of stepping on them! Rugs, shadows, anything like that, I cannot step on the edge. Tile doesn't bother me (thank God because it's all over our store!), but if there is a stain on the tile or any color change, streak mark, etc., I avoid it like the plague. I have tried standing on the edge of the counselor's rug, but I feel stupid just standing there. It was either that or go out into the parking lot and "practice."

When I drink a drink, I usually have to leave about 1/8th of it in the cup. I have to really psyche myself up to drink something all the way down. Now, a margarita, that's a different story. But soda, milk, juice, can't finish it all.

There have been a few new rituals that have "snuck in" this week, but I managed to ward them off. Hehe. CBT works for me the majority of the time, so I am truly blessed.

I am really enjoying all your blogs I am reading -- I can really relate. All I can tell you is that the more stress you have in your life, the more your OCD will affect your life. You just have to expect that it comes with the territory and not think that you are the cause of the increase in intensity. This, too, shall pass. I try to remember how far I've come in two years. It truly could be worse.

A Day of Lasts

Well, today is the day, the last day that the store will be open for business, and we have TOO MUCH left, especially fixtures!!! What are we going to do with them? I just keep praying that someone will walk in the door next week and offer to take them all off our hands!

So far I have turned the open sign over for the last time and put the money in the cash register for the last time.

I am very sad but will be so glad to get this week over with! R is busy dismaantling things. He took all the inside signs down yesterday. Next week will be moving and removing decals from the windows. The sign company is going to come take the sign down, too.

Long Time No See

It has been very busy around here. Have decided to close for good this Saturday, two days from now. Ready to get it over with.
Went to three movies in a week - Batman once, Mama Mia twice. My OCD is pretty bad right now; movies help me relieve stress, especially movies that I know the dialogue to.
Tonight we are going to swing by and pick up Chinese (mine is House Special Fried Rice with no peas. They also always take the carrots out.) and go home to watch the movies that came in the mail today -- especially College Road Trip with Donny Osmond!
E and I are going to take R out tomorrow night for her birthday. Going out for margaritas, and then the three of us are going to break into "Hand Painted By" so that E and I can paint a figurine for R of her choosing. We will have the place totally to ourselves for the night! I will probably bring some DVDs to watch while we paint.
While K18 is in Honduras, K15 and I are going to New Braunfels for a few days. We will each take a friend, so there will be four of us. I am hoping to get a place at the resort, but it's probably too last minute. That's okay because the train gets on my nerves anyway. However, I love having the swimming pool sized hot tub at night. I could stay in there forever. This time we are skipping the tubing the river part (Both girls got quite an education the last time). Will definitely do that bakery thing one morning. May go into Gruene for the afternoon or into San Marcos on Wednesday. If I can get a place at the resort, will probably do spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread one night; hamburgers on the grill the next. Or I may just bring my George Foreman grill and grill some chicken breasts. Lunches will be easy: sandwiches, chips, leftovers. Breakfast will be bakery one morning, probably cereal two mornings because I don't want to have to deal with leftover eggs.
Well, my computer has disconnected itself AGAIN from the server. I have done everything Tony has told me to do (I have watched him do it twice), and, still, it won't connect for me! Ran out of fax cartridge today. I said, "forget it," I am not spending $25 for two more days of junk faxes! I will just go to Kleins when I need a copy. Both credit card machines stopped working today, so we were about to change our "No Checks" sign to "No Credit Cards." But we fixec the machines, and all is well.
Well, I have been eating so many Keebler Fudge Stripes tha now I'm not hungry for Chinese food.

Happy Birthday, K18!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my dear, sweet first-born, K18 who turns -- well -- 18 today at 5:05 p.m.! Bless her heart, she has to work tonight on her birthday. She received a lovely bouquet of flowers today, and she and her dad went out looking for car stereos. Going to the Melting Pot Tuesday night; taking two of her friends.

K15 was at drama camp all week and performed in a West Side Story showcase last night. She did great! My mom, dad, grandma, E and P were there, too! Afterwards we went to Rancho Grande for a couple of hours. Service was the pits. They never did bring K18 anything to drink. They did, however, sing a birthday song to her in Spanish and put whipped cream on her face, with a cherry for the nose.

As for me, I will be glad when this whole thing is over. I can already tell that we are going to have a lot of fixtures left over if we don't hurry up and sell them. A lady did come in today who wants to open a store in Conroe; she may be interested in some of the fixtures. She, like many other CLUELESS people, couldn't understand why we were closing and why I strongly suggested that she re-think her "vision." This, after she was already aware that the other homeschool store in Conroe barely made it two years and that our nearest competition is experiencing low sales. Oh, well, to be young again and dream the dream. I wish the best for her; I really do. Like R told her, "Give it a shot. You'll never know until you try." (Or go into debt first --- my thought.)

I am very blessed in the fact that I have lots of skills that will help me get a job. Not just any job. I want one that really pays me for what I am worth. I will not be happy with the bare minimum. I have education and legal experience, owning and running a business. There are only two things that I don't want to do - teach children and anything to do with finances. I am leaning towards adult education/training; but, hey, if you want me to answer 6-9 telephone lines and type up your memos, I'm all for it. Just don't ask me to add up any numbers or tutor your children. Numbers make me nervous and I am burnt out on teaching K-12.

Here are the girls' schedules for the fall so far:

K18 - Biology, Word in Season (United States History/English Lit. & Writing class), finish Algebra and move on to next math, Government - fall; Economics - spring, Health

K14 soon to be 15 - Biology, Word in Season (Renaissance and Reformation +), Spanish 1, Algebra, piano, possibly theater.

We are re-thinking clogging and piano right now, depending on schedules. K14 may get a job next year at a local tea room; K18 is still waiting to hear from Target, but I think they would have called by now.

It is 4:30, and, man, am I tempted to close early! Got a new phone this week and am still trying to figure some things out. My ringtone at the moment is Darth Vader's Imperial March from Empire Strikes Back. Hmmm. Tonight might be a good Star Wars night since our cable is still out.

Time to Hit the Books

A Spanish-speaking man came into the store today looking for the library (the library used to be in our building). I was trying to give him directions, and could not for the life of me remember how to say "traffic light" in Spanish. I can see the word in my head and will automatically remember it tonight, I'm sure, but it's too late. I felt like an idiot. I am looking forward to pouring through my new Spanish-English dictionary and my two new advance Spanish grammar books soon. Have to finish Lonesome Dove first!


I am feeling better today. R was finally able to talk to Mr. Klein today; he has just been busy. He is not angry. He was telling R how the easiest thing would be for someone to purchase the store. Well, we did have a very serious looker last week, but it fell through when they saw the numbers.

Thanks to my brother, B, we will be going to Moody Gardens in Galveston tomorrow, a first for our family. WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! I am also planning a trip to New Braunfels in August, probably when K18 is in Honduras. I need some R & R!

Boy Blames Himself for 9/11

A ten-year-old boy with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) thought the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the twin towers of the World Trade Centre in New York were his fault, according to a new report.
Leading psychologists said the boy thought the September 11 attacks in 2001 happened because he did not step on a particular white mark on the road that day.
Experts from University College London believe it is the first time a patient has blamed themselves for a major terrorist attack.
In a report published in the journal Neurocase experts said the boy, who suffers from OCD and Tourette's syndrome, was wracked with guilty after the attack.
Mary Robinson, a psychologist at UCL, said his condition meant he was forced "to step correctly on a particular white mark on the road" every day.
But on "September 11, the day of the atrocities, he forgot to do this and therefore thought the World Trade Centre attack was his personal fault."
The report said: "The case highlights the need to support young people in this world of terrorism and the mass media immediate coverage of events."
According to psychologist Dr Robinson, the boy had been "extremely pleasant and likeable" in the run up to the attacks, with good school grades despite being affected by the two conditions.
In a report on the case, she said: "His parents reported that he had become much worse, that he was fed up, annoyed and tortured by his tics.
"One prominent symptom was that he normally had to step correctly on a particular white mark on the road.
"On September 11, the day of the atrocities, he forgot to do this and therefore thought the World Trade Centre attack was his personal fault.'
The boy was treated with drugs to calm his OCD and was also informed that he had actually skipped his normal ritual of stepping on the same white mark after the attacks occurred, so could not be to blame.
Dr Robinson said media coverage of conflicts could cause similar phenomena.
"We have not even touched on the coverage of Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel or Gaza, where there are almost daily atrocities," she said. "This would be far too great a task."
OCD is a condition where sufferers repeat certain behaviours, such as washing their hands or avoiding cracks in the pavement, over and over again.Ex-England captain David Beckham is reported to be a sufferer.
Tourette's, meanwhile, causes involuntary tics and outbursts of swearing.
Nearly 3,000 people were killed when terrorists flew two jets into the twin towers of the World Trade Centre in New York in 2001.

Hungry Please Help

Monday I went deep into Houston on my way to the counselor. I was sitting at an intersection, and it was taking forever for the light to change. I was in the left-hand turn lane. While I waited, I noticed a man sitting in the grass, holding up a sign that said, "Hungry. Please Help."

That light just would not change. I kept trying not to look at him. I never give panhandlers money, never. I have given them food, but not money. The more I tried not to look at him, the more I looked at him. I knew that OCD was setting in. There is no possible way I could have driven off without giving him something and not obsessing for weeks afterward. I had all this time to give him something, but it was not until the light changed to green that I motioned over to him to come to my window, and I gave him a dollar bill. Whew! Payoff! I felt so relieved! Obsession loop broken!

It's Starting

Okay. It's finally starting to hit me. The store is closing.
It was upsetting to see one of my gondolas walk out the door today. But then, wait, it didn't fit in their Suburban, so they brought it back! LOL

Today I sold four bookshelves, two gondola endcaps and 18 chalkboards to two women (sisters) who are opening a homeschool bookstore in Kingwood. They are going to come back July 15th to buy stock from me. Now I just need to contact some teacher supply stores to see if they need anything.

They shut down my website to the public today and are putting it up for sale.

I can't believe it's really happening, all our blood, sweat and tears. Oh, well, it will all work out.

Illness

Why do wonderful people get so sick? I called one of my high school teachers yesterday to get some job-seeking advice. He has Parkinson's. The phone call started out with his wife telling me he was not doing too well. She has always been honest with me about his disease out of his hearing. She put him on the phone. I could tell a huge difference in his voice since the last time I had called. At first, he did not seem to know exactly who I was. I could hear his wife in the background prodding him along. Then it just kind of clicked. He obviously knew who I was, but everytime he tried to address me by name, he apparently went blank. He never did say my name. He said that he had been unwell for four days, but would be better by tomorrow. His intellect was firmly intact, though. He was concerned about the store and in agreement with me that Rosetta Stone Level 3 was too easy for me. He said that he had complete faith in me that I could get my Spanish back quickly. He said, "It's in your brain. You just need to get it out." Hmmmmmm. Sounds like Parkinson's or Alzheimers to me. When I asked him questions, he kept saying, "Let me think. Let me think." Finally, he said he would think things over and call me back. Have not heard from him and do not expect to. I am going to try to see him in August. He could not believe that the girls had grown so much.

Then today I was directed to a very sad blog, a mom of several children who is dying of cancer and is on hospice. She was going to try one more round of chemo, but has finally decided to stop and rest. This blog is a heads up and very inspiring but very depressing. Her husband writes for her when she is too weak. Here is her link if you want it: http://www.punkrockmommy.org/blog/

So, see, the store closing is nothing to be depressed about. A lot of the customers are sad and in shock. One guy told me today he wished we could keep it open, but five minutes later was going on and on about how his wife purchased a lot of her materials on Amazon this year. I have requested that the website be taken down, but so far it is still working.

Going out for drinks with R tonight. We have a lot to talk about. She and I are both job hunting. LOL Tomorrow taking the girls to see Get Smart.

Dr. put me on thyroid medicine. Is supposed to help. Bloodwork in six weeks. K17 has bloodwork in two weeks for the same thing. We are both on Armour.

Thursday's Thoughts

This week I have been working in the kiosk. I left my laptop there since the weekend because:
1) It is cooler in the kiosk.
2) I feel a need to be around the customers and employees more for the next month.
3) There are people I do not want to slip out without me telling them a final goodbye.

There is a magetic sculpture display to my right on the counter. It is driving me crazy because the word "solar" is misspelled in "solar system" on the box. One of my customers turned the box around today so that I would not have to dwell on it. Ha ha!

Mr. Klein has still not contacted us since I wrote him the letter on Saturday, which has us a bit concerned.

Here is our plan for the moment.
My friend L wants to purchase the following from us:

A counter
A computer with all the trimmings, display pole, scanner, etc.
A carousel
A pencil display
A Christian poster and miscellaneous turning rack with merchandise
All our Christian book stock
Our Girl Scout inventory and displays
Our Alpha Omega stock
Office supplies and mailers. Think I will keep the mailers.
Hooks and miscellaneous items.

My friend K wants to purchase at least four bookshelves

A customer wants to purchase some display racks for conferences.

My friend R wants to purchase a computer.

My friend M is going to come take pictures of fixtures next week to put on Ebay and Craigslist.

A woman on Teaching Mom who lives in San Antonio wants to purchase my Bob Jones stock.

June 24th we will have our anual Customer Appreciation Day Sale at 15% off.
We will continue to sell at 15% off through June.
Starting July 1st we will increase the discount.
On or around July 15th (on a Sunday/Monday) employees will come in and help sort consigment and conatact consignees. They will have two weeks to pick up items.
July 31st, the store will close and only sell fixtures.

There are some things we are just going to have to "throw" away:
All of our inside signs.
Our outdoor signs.
Our vehicle magnetic signs.
Catalogs of every kind
General junk from warehouse
Papers, pamphlets, flyers, business cards, etc.

My grandmother may be moving the same weekend, so we will be extremely busy.

We are going to put the Love 2 Learn refrigerator in our garage so that I can go get a Costco card.

My Girl Scout rep was shocked today when I told her the news, as are many customers. She said she thought our store was doing so well. I said, "No, I told you the Girl Scout section was doing well."

Starting on thyroid meds today, so, hopefully, I will have more energy to put into the closing.

Still haven't put together my resume. Am dreading that. I stayed awake the other night for two hours trying to remember the name of one of the court reporters I used to work for. Finally remembered! Today I could not remember one of the schools I worked for one year in the third ward. Had to go online to jog my memory. Man, it's hell being old!

K14 is singing onstage at church all week for VBS and having a wonderful time!
K17 is driving around town like there is no tomorrow. She applied at Target today. Please pray that she gets the job!

Love 2 Learn

For those of you who haven't heard yet, we are closing the store July 31st. There is a lot to do. I found myself doing something today that I thought I would NEVER do: I referred 40 families to one of my major competitors, one which probably helped put me out of business. But you know what? I felt okay about it. They will be getting what they want and I will no longer have to compete with RR, so what's the difference?

I have thoughts go around and around in my mind, like what am I going to do with the telephoine system? What do I have to do to get my website turned off properly so that I don't have to continue paying fees? Where am I going to store nine years' worth of files? What am I going to do with my sign -- have a bonfire? But it will all work out in the end. I want to go out of town to relax one weekend when it is all over with. Hint to my friend J who has great perks with her job.

K17 hit two major milestones last week -- she got her driver's license and she bought a car! Right now she and K14 are at a lake party. It is so nice not having to drive them everywhere (see post below).

You know what one of my pet peeves is? Texting someone with a question and getting no reply for hours, especially when you both have been texting each other for 30 minutes. I have been waiting for an answer to my question for over 4 hours. That is too long for someone to have been in a movie.

So now comes the fun part: looking for a job. I have found some interesting positions available, but most of them are in Houston. The gas money will really hurt. Maybe I should invest in a motorcycle???? Probably not. I would not want to arrive at work windblown and with bugs in my teeth.

Tomorrow we are going to Mom and Dad's for Father's Day. Brian is cooking bbq ribs. Maybe we'll play some games.

Hope you all have a pleasant weekend.

Cardboard Testimonies

When you watch this video, be sure to have your volume on. It is awesome!!!!

Yesterday

I went to bed last night around 6:00. I was so exhausted from driving all day. Here was where I went:
Left home at 7:30 in the morning to drive K17 to Magnolia for 8:00 to 10:00 class. Stopped at Sonic for drinks on the way. Sat in teacher's driveway for an hour, doing nothing. 9:00 a.m. - drive down the road to library and did searches on the computer. 9:55 - back in car, drive to pick K17 up from class. 10:15 leave teacher's house and drive home to pick up K14. Thankfully, she was ready!

10:20 - drove to Sonic (I think) then to store. Picked up the girls' three friends from the store around 10:40. Drove into Houston (about a 25 minute drive) to drop five teenagers off at a church for Bible study. Noticed I'm almost out of gas (Hmmm. I put $25 worth in it the day before). Forgot my lunch. Stopped at Taco Bell for a tostada with sour cream (minus the salmonella-causing tomatoes). Stopped at HEB for $25 gas. Card wouldn't work because it is bent, so took longer. Went to work to check on website and eat my tostada. It is now almost noon.

12:30 - leave work to go back into Houston to church to pick up the five teenage girls. It starts pouring rain so badly that people are pulling over to the side of the freeway because it is difficult to see. This puts me behind schedule because K14 is supposed to be at babysitting by 1:00.

1:00 - arrive at church. The girls are in a wild mood, loud, snapping flash pictures which is bouncing off the inside of the windows. Luckily, the rain has stopped. Drop K14 off at her babysitting job - she is 20 minutes late. :o(

1:35 - arrive at our store to drop one girlfriend off. Her mother works for us. Her dad will pick her up there.

I now have K17 and two others in van. Drive to CVS to run an errand, then get them to our church by 2:00 for VBS meeting.

Drive back to store, but can't work because there are several things going on around the store that need to be taken care of.

2:40 - leave to go pick up K17 at church. Her meeting is still going on. It is after 3:00 and I have to be in Houston by 3:30 to meet R at DPS to get K17's driver's license. Leave church at 3:10 and go to orthodontist's office to drop off late payment (first payment - I am not starting out too well.) Get to DPS in Houston around 3:40.

Leave and am on my way to pick up K14 from babysitting job.
Drive to our store to check on computer that had the virus and take care of a few things.
4:20 - K14 and I go to Kleins (not in car, thank goodness) to pick up some personal items.
Drive to Sonic and then home.

That was my day. I am SO glad K17 got her license yesterday and is getting her car today!!!!

The New AT & T

Open Trunk

OCD has been playing tricks again with my mind. This week there was a car in front of me at a stoplight. The trunk had come open. My first thought was, "Good thing there's not a dead body in there!" And for the rest of the week I have been obsessing about there being a dead body in the trunk and I didn't do anything about it."

Cashier

Yesterday I was in the checkout at Kleins and while the cashier was waiting for my credit card to run, she took off her shoe and showed me her toes. "Look," she said. "I have one toe that crosses over the other and it is rubbing against that toe, and it's sore." Ewwww. I don't like looking at people's toes, especially when they have been stuck, sweating in a shoe all day. She said, "I bought one of those Dr. Scholl toe separators, but I don't know where the damned thing went." I was just thinking, "Lady, for goodness sake! Put your shoe back on! I don't want to look at your toes!"

Dd14 is dying her hair today, either brown or red; she hasn't decided yet.

The store has been extremely slow this week, probably because people are waiting to come to the used book sale on Tuesday. That's usually the way it goes.

Boy with Toy Car

Yesterday there was a kindergarten-aged boy named Nicholas in the store. He found a NOISY car in the play area and pushed it all over the store, making a horrible screeching noise. The mom said nothing about it. After about 20 minutes, I went up to him and told him to put the car back into the play area. He said, "No." His mom didn't say a thing to him. Then D went over to him and told him that he needed to give it to her because she could not hear on the phone. He wouldn't give it to D, and the mom did nothing. Finally, D just grabbed it from him and put it in the kiosk! Ha ha! Why didn't I think of that? All four of us that were here cheered when he left.

Latest bizarre requests: shoestrings and Super Glue

Only thirty more minutes and I get to go home! We are having chili dogs for dinner.

K14 went camping last night and did not go to sleep at all. K17 has been at graduation today and will be at a graduation celebration tonight.

Have a good weekend!

Fainting Goats

Have you ever seen the fainting goats?

What's With Manicures?

What is it with getting your nails done? Five to six years ago none of my friends had manicures on a regular basis. Nail salons have popped up everywhere, even inside of Walmarts. My friend, R, is the one who started me on acrylics (mine are my real nails). She said that I needed to something special for myself once in awhile. I have pedicures very rarely, maybe twice a year. They really help the calluses and help me walk better, I think. Wish I could have those done instead of the fingernails. Now, even young girls are accustomed to routinely having their nails "done." I paid for my girls to have it done one time around Christmas a few years ago. Now if they want to have it done, they will have to pay for it. I think it's a frivolous expense, but I keep hearing my friend in my head saying, "Do something special for yourself once in awhile."

Been busy this week

The store has been pretty busy this week!! Woohoo! Am hoping this is a sign of things to come! K17 and K14 performed at the Relay for Life for cancer survivors Friday night. They had the most God-awful singer performing the national anthem. The kids were standing behind her backstage and their faces were hilarious. I never knew there was a second verse. She said it was written after 9-11. Afterwards, we went to eat at Hartz's Chicken Buffet. The food can only be described in one word - GROSS. Everyone did admit to liking the mashed potatoes, though. Yesterday, the girls performed again at an adult day care center. As always, they did an excellent job! Mom and Dad came to the store today (so did my friend R) to discuss getting K17 some transportation within the next few months! Another great blessing! Although, once she gets the wheels, we may never see her again!