OCD Thoughts

Lately, my OCD has been in full-swing. However, I am blessed. When I think back to two years ago, I have come so far. I had more rituals than I thought I had, but most of them are gone. I still have a problem with handrails, but I forced myself to use them when I went upstairs to my dr. last week. Uncomfortable to be sure, but, hey, nothing drastic happened. I still have a problem with people that I love going up in airplanes. I believe that this is due to the fact that 1) I am petrified of being on one myself, and 2) I have had dreams (three times) about an airplane accident, and then the next morning when I turned on the news there had actually been one. One was the plane in NY that Pamela Lynch from Justice for All was on, and I believed that I somehow contributed to her death by not saying something to the authorities ahead of time. Dumb, I know. You will never convince me that that crash was not terrorist related. How am I going to do when K18 gets on a plane in two weeks to Honduras? I am going to have to go somewhere and do something to get my mind off of it - kind of like when we put Lucky to sleep. One thing I HATE about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy -- and I hope my counselor is reading this -- is that you are supposed to allow the thoughts to wash over you, not try to keep them away. So, technically, I am supposed to think about K18 being on the plane, thousands of feet above the earth and allow the negative thoughts to come. This is the scary part. If I do it, it usually works, but it is the DOING it that is sometimes impossible. I want to skydive just once in my life, but the thought of actually DOING it -- going up in a plane and jumping -- is petrifying to me. Someone WILL HAVE TO push me out the door, there is no denying that.

Back to handrails -- I noticed this last summer when we were at the Riverwalk. You probably think it is about germs. No. It is about balance. If I can grab onto handrails from both sides, like on an escalator, I am fine. But give me a wide stairwell where I cannot reach both sides, or people coming down the other side, blocking my reach like in San Antonio, I cannot use one handrail. I will topple and look stupid.

Same with horizontal cracks and color/pattern changes on the ground. I don't step over them because I'm afraid something bad is going to happen. I do it because it sends me off balance if I step on them. I feel like an idiot in the grocery store trying to avoid them, but at least I don't fall down. LOL Actually, this ritual is the reverse of a ritual. E and I were at the college going in to play raquetball (I LOVE that game!), and she mentioned to me, "Why do you step on every crack?" I hadn't noticed it before. So this went on for a few months and started to get on my nerves and I told my counselor. We did CBT a few times, and all of the sudden, now I am avoiding them instead of stepping on them! Rugs, shadows, anything like that, I cannot step on the edge. Tile doesn't bother me (thank God because it's all over our store!), but if there is a stain on the tile or any color change, streak mark, etc., I avoid it like the plague. I have tried standing on the edge of the counselor's rug, but I feel stupid just standing there. It was either that or go out into the parking lot and "practice."

When I drink a drink, I usually have to leave about 1/8th of it in the cup. I have to really psyche myself up to drink something all the way down. Now, a margarita, that's a different story. But soda, milk, juice, can't finish it all.

There have been a few new rituals that have "snuck in" this week, but I managed to ward them off. Hehe. CBT works for me the majority of the time, so I am truly blessed.

I am really enjoying all your blogs I am reading -- I can really relate. All I can tell you is that the more stress you have in your life, the more your OCD will affect your life. You just have to expect that it comes with the territory and not think that you are the cause of the increase in intensity. This, too, shall pass. I try to remember how far I've come in two years. It truly could be worse.