OCD Thoughts

Lately, my OCD has been in full-swing. However, I am blessed. When I think back to two years ago, I have come so far. I had more rituals than I thought I had, but most of them are gone. I still have a problem with handrails, but I forced myself to use them when I went upstairs to my dr. last week. Uncomfortable to be sure, but, hey, nothing drastic happened. I still have a problem with people that I love going up in airplanes. I believe that this is due to the fact that 1) I am petrified of being on one myself, and 2) I have had dreams (three times) about an airplane accident, and then the next morning when I turned on the news there had actually been one. One was the plane in NY that Pamela Lynch from Justice for All was on, and I believed that I somehow contributed to her death by not saying something to the authorities ahead of time. Dumb, I know. You will never convince me that that crash was not terrorist related. How am I going to do when K18 gets on a plane in two weeks to Honduras? I am going to have to go somewhere and do something to get my mind off of it - kind of like when we put Lucky to sleep. One thing I HATE about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy -- and I hope my counselor is reading this -- is that you are supposed to allow the thoughts to wash over you, not try to keep them away. So, technically, I am supposed to think about K18 being on the plane, thousands of feet above the earth and allow the negative thoughts to come. This is the scary part. If I do it, it usually works, but it is the DOING it that is sometimes impossible. I want to skydive just once in my life, but the thought of actually DOING it -- going up in a plane and jumping -- is petrifying to me. Someone WILL HAVE TO push me out the door, there is no denying that.

Back to handrails -- I noticed this last summer when we were at the Riverwalk. You probably think it is about germs. No. It is about balance. If I can grab onto handrails from both sides, like on an escalator, I am fine. But give me a wide stairwell where I cannot reach both sides, or people coming down the other side, blocking my reach like in San Antonio, I cannot use one handrail. I will topple and look stupid.

Same with horizontal cracks and color/pattern changes on the ground. I don't step over them because I'm afraid something bad is going to happen. I do it because it sends me off balance if I step on them. I feel like an idiot in the grocery store trying to avoid them, but at least I don't fall down. LOL Actually, this ritual is the reverse of a ritual. E and I were at the college going in to play raquetball (I LOVE that game!), and she mentioned to me, "Why do you step on every crack?" I hadn't noticed it before. So this went on for a few months and started to get on my nerves and I told my counselor. We did CBT a few times, and all of the sudden, now I am avoiding them instead of stepping on them! Rugs, shadows, anything like that, I cannot step on the edge. Tile doesn't bother me (thank God because it's all over our store!), but if there is a stain on the tile or any color change, streak mark, etc., I avoid it like the plague. I have tried standing on the edge of the counselor's rug, but I feel stupid just standing there. It was either that or go out into the parking lot and "practice."

When I drink a drink, I usually have to leave about 1/8th of it in the cup. I have to really psyche myself up to drink something all the way down. Now, a margarita, that's a different story. But soda, milk, juice, can't finish it all.

There have been a few new rituals that have "snuck in" this week, but I managed to ward them off. Hehe. CBT works for me the majority of the time, so I am truly blessed.

I am really enjoying all your blogs I am reading -- I can really relate. All I can tell you is that the more stress you have in your life, the more your OCD will affect your life. You just have to expect that it comes with the territory and not think that you are the cause of the increase in intensity. This, too, shall pass. I try to remember how far I've come in two years. It truly could be worse.

A Day of Lasts

Well, today is the day, the last day that the store will be open for business, and we have TOO MUCH left, especially fixtures!!! What are we going to do with them? I just keep praying that someone will walk in the door next week and offer to take them all off our hands!

So far I have turned the open sign over for the last time and put the money in the cash register for the last time.

I am very sad but will be so glad to get this week over with! R is busy dismaantling things. He took all the inside signs down yesterday. Next week will be moving and removing decals from the windows. The sign company is going to come take the sign down, too.

Long Time No See

It has been very busy around here. Have decided to close for good this Saturday, two days from now. Ready to get it over with.
Went to three movies in a week - Batman once, Mama Mia twice. My OCD is pretty bad right now; movies help me relieve stress, especially movies that I know the dialogue to.
Tonight we are going to swing by and pick up Chinese (mine is House Special Fried Rice with no peas. They also always take the carrots out.) and go home to watch the movies that came in the mail today -- especially College Road Trip with Donny Osmond!
E and I are going to take R out tomorrow night for her birthday. Going out for margaritas, and then the three of us are going to break into "Hand Painted By" so that E and I can paint a figurine for R of her choosing. We will have the place totally to ourselves for the night! I will probably bring some DVDs to watch while we paint.
While K18 is in Honduras, K15 and I are going to New Braunfels for a few days. We will each take a friend, so there will be four of us. I am hoping to get a place at the resort, but it's probably too last minute. That's okay because the train gets on my nerves anyway. However, I love having the swimming pool sized hot tub at night. I could stay in there forever. This time we are skipping the tubing the river part (Both girls got quite an education the last time). Will definitely do that bakery thing one morning. May go into Gruene for the afternoon or into San Marcos on Wednesday. If I can get a place at the resort, will probably do spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread one night; hamburgers on the grill the next. Or I may just bring my George Foreman grill and grill some chicken breasts. Lunches will be easy: sandwiches, chips, leftovers. Breakfast will be bakery one morning, probably cereal two mornings because I don't want to have to deal with leftover eggs.
Well, my computer has disconnected itself AGAIN from the server. I have done everything Tony has told me to do (I have watched him do it twice), and, still, it won't connect for me! Ran out of fax cartridge today. I said, "forget it," I am not spending $25 for two more days of junk faxes! I will just go to Kleins when I need a copy. Both credit card machines stopped working today, so we were about to change our "No Checks" sign to "No Credit Cards." But we fixec the machines, and all is well.
Well, I have been eating so many Keebler Fudge Stripes tha now I'm not hungry for Chinese food.