"I've Got The Retail Telephone Blues"

"It was my birthday, and all I got was
this stupid haircut." - Dusti



Here’s a photo of my new telephone system. If you call during my business hours, it allows me to put you on hold, listening to soothing music while I help a customer similar to the one below:

Me: Hello. (name of business)
Customer: Do you carry this?
Me: Yes, we carry this.
Customer: Do you carry that?
Me: Yes, we carry that.
Customer: Well, do you carry this and that?
Me: Yes, we carry this and that.
Customer: Good. Then I’d like to order one this, one that, and six this and thats.
Me: Okay, that will be (amount).
Customer: Wait. I should get a discount for the six this and thats.
Me: We give a 10% percent discount on each. We can no longer give a 30% discount on six of anything.
Customer: Well, that’s not right.
Me: But the publisher can. Would you like their toll free number?
Customer: No. Go ahead and give me one this, one that, and three this and thats.
Me: Okay. Here is the total, including shipping and tax.
Customer: Wait. Why am I being charged tax? This is for a school, but I pay for it out of my own pocket!
Me: If you order from the publisher, which is out-of-state, you won’t be charged tax; however, their shipping rate is higher. I would only be charging you $3.50; they would charge you $5.50. Would you like their toll free number?
Customer: No.
Me: Well, perhaps you would like to pick the items up here?
Customer: Are you kidding? The price of gas is almost $3.00 a gallon! Go ahead and give me the publisher’s number.
(Customer hangs up.)
(Five minutes later… keep in mind that the order has been torn up and thrown in the trash can by now)
Me: Hello (name of business)
Same customer: I’ve decided to order from you. The publisher won’t even give me a 10% on this or that. They would give me the 30% discount on six this and thats though; however, their shipping is $5.50 minimum! Do you take credit cards?
Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s a $2.00 charge for phone orders less than $50.00.
Customer: What in the world for?
Me: The credit card company charges me $2.00 per transaction plus a percentage of the sale for all sales where I don’t have the actual credit card in my hand to swipe.
Customer: Well, perhaps I could write you a check. Could you include a bill in the box?
Me: No, ma’am, I’m sorry. Once I receive your check, I can mail your package out immediately.
Customer: You can’t put a bill in the box?
Me: No, ma’m. I’m sorry; I can’t. I must receive payment first.
Customer: Well, how long will that take?
Me: Three to four days by regular mail; one to two days by Priority Mail, which is an extra $3.00.
Customer: Well, I think I’ll go ahead and call the publisher back. I need them quicker than that. I am not going to pay $3.00 more for Priority Mail! (are you following this?) What was that toll free number again?
(Customer hangs up)
(Five minutes later… again, entire order has been torn up and thrown away)
Me: Hello (name of business)
Same same customer: Well, their $5.50 did not include Priority Mail. They wanted to charge me an extra $3.00, which would total $8.50. They can’t even ship it, though, for a week. I will send you a check today. Your prices and customer service are much better than theirs! Thank you!

(I am wondering if you are still hanging on on the other line. Have you gone to sleep listening to the soothing music? Or are you just meditating? Either way, you are much more relaxed than I. No wonder I own T-Shirts that read “Stressed Out!” and “I’m in one of my moods!!!)

Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness. --Seneca

~blessings~